My name is Oliver and I am a Bulldog, English actually, non of that sissy French midget version, but the real thing. Although I am getting on a bit now ….. (you should have seen me in my youth, I was something I can tell you), age and gravity has taken it’s toll and my trim taut previous self seems to have headed south, like my skin, my tummy and my….well you know what I mean.
But that’s not why I need your help. My humans, because they think I am getting old bless their hearts, have taken to feeding me soft foods and treats. When they have cake I have cake, when they have breakfast I have toast and butter and the worst thing is they have taken to cooking up my food, so no more crunchy yummy dog biscuits. So now my teeth are sick, I can feel hard stuff on them and I have a permanent horrible taste in my mouth. It reminds me of the time I dug up a dead bird, the smell is the same. I crave for my dry dog biscuits but I doubt my wobbly teeth would be able to crunch them up now and besides they hurt and I don’t feel well at all. Bit of help here please Lionel.
At your service Oliver and we need to get your problems solved asap. First of all you probably have gum disease which is why you have loose teeth and a bad taste in your mouth, not only that you are absorbing bacteria into your system which is making you unwell and will only get worse if you don’t see a vet.
So you need a plan. You have to make your humans aware that you’re not well and you, Oliver my friend, have the perfect weapon…your breath.. that’s right, because at the moment it will be putrid and if it tastes bad to you, can you imagine what it’s going to smell like to a human? I would suggest high levels of face to face panting as close as you can possibly get, followed by copious amounts of drooling (I know you won’t have any problems there) preferably onto any exposed skin, the hand is the best place as they will get full force of the stench, if that fails a damn good head shake with relaxed jowls at close proximity should do the trick and just about saturate them. And, if I’m not mistaken you should get a trip to the vets to fix your dental problem and a good laugh as well. Good luck Oliver